Mental Load - What I’ve Learned
Not my typical post.
Let's talk about mental load - or at least some of the things I've learned about it. Mental load is the weight of all the logistics, planning, and decision-making that you carry around in your head every day. It's the constant stream of to-dos that fill our heads and leave us feeling overwhelmed. And it can the burden of being the "default parent" — the one who is always expected to take care of everything.
As a man, husband, father, I can really only talk about this from my perspective and how it has affected our family.
Have you ever heard "being a mother is a full-time job", "my wife handles the school stuff", "she's a superhero", "a real calendar wizard", "she runs the household", "I don't know how she does it", "I couldn’t do what she does". I hear these statements often and I used to not think much of them. They are often said with well-meaning intention. I've learned that while these can all be true, they can also point to a massive imbalance in the mental load of running a household.
Actually, I used to say phrases like this to reassure my wife that I understand the pressure she was dealing with. I used them as compliments and assurance that she was being a "good mother". I was looking at this in the wrong light - I was doing more harm than good. I was acknowledging that she was doing WAY more than I was, and at the same time not offering any assistance or relief.
Now, I see these statements as symptoms of a much deeper problem. For example, here are some of the things that someone needs to keep track of in our household:
Activity schedule
Social Calendar
Family gifts, parties
Meal planning and grocery shopping
Clothes Shopping
Laundry, dishes, cleaning, trash
School work, tests, homework
Names and interests of childhood friends
Bank account balances and bill deadlines
Yard work
These are all important and necessary tasks, but they are also things that can be easily divided up and shared. But in our household, the majority of these tasks were falling to my wife. And when you add in the mental load of being the "default parent" - the one who is always expected to be there for our children - it became really evident to me that our mental loads had become extremely unbalanced.
So what did I do about it?
The first step was to recognize the problem and start talking about it with my wife. I had read a couple articles and threads about it and they resonated with me. This "mental load" is something that is not often talked about or even acknowledged. I found that by talking about it, I was able to better understand what my wife was keeping up with every day and help identify where the biggest imbalances were.
For me, this was about being a good partner, which I realized meant distributing the load more evenly.
It wasn’t about taking over or doing everything for her, but it was about balancing the mental load so my wife can have the opportunity to focus on other things.
On a more tactical note, here are some questions that I found myself asking. I could easily find these answers myself, but it was easier to just ask her - and I’m trying to get in the habit of not using my wife like Google.
Which card should x purchase go on?
When is [child's] math test?
What do you want to do for dinner?
Do we have plans on Saturday?
These are all valid questions, but I didn’t need my wife to tell me the answers. I needed to be an adult and find them myself. By asking questions like these, I had decided that my mental real estate was more valuable than my wife’s. By not keeping those things in my head and assuming she would keep them in hers, I wasn’t giving her the option of setting down the mental load.
In some ways, I was actually taking on the role of one of the children - trust me, she does not need another child roaming around.
Hopefully, this understanding will lead to a more balanced mental load between the two of us. So far, we’ve seen progress.
It’s not just about helping out my wife, I’ve also found benefit in taking on some of these roles. I feel like I’m more present for our family, like I am more a part of what’s happening. I feel closer to our children and I understand better what’s going on in their lives. It’s been good for both of us.
With that, I leave you with some final thoughts (TLDR)
I need to be aware of the mental load other people are carrying. It's easy to get caught up in my own world and not realize how much is actually on their plate.
I need to be proactive - take on some of these tasks without being asked. I’m hoping this will help to make the load feel more balanced.
I need to be mindful of the questions I ask. Many of them can add to an already full plate and I can probably find the answers on my own.
